A New Sitcom? – Fat Guy and the Coach?

Some days, I feel like there is a full gamut of personalities trapped inside my body, all demanding little buggers. A variety of self-help books over the years have identified this Band of Merry Men with names like “inner child”, “id”, “ego”, etc. Without revealing conflicts worthy of a cameo in “The Three Faces of Eve”, I simply want to introduce you to two of my better known nemeses “Fat Guy” and “The Coach”:

• Let’s start with “Fat Guy,” he been around a long time and is the most familiar. He got beat up by Laura Rogers in 4th grade. He was a regular victim of the locker room wedgie king in 7th grade. He likes pizza and reruns on Nickelodeon. He won’t bother you, if you don’t bother him.

• His alter ego is “The Coach.” Coach shows up every January 1st. He has a clip board, upon which he notes with dismay any physical attributes he finds deficient. He’s the one who nods approvingly to late night infomercials promising flatter abs, toner glutes and he even recommended the “Thigh Master.” perhaps, he has a thing for Suzanne Somers?

Of course, I run into these two anytime someone mentions diet or I catch one of those infamous infomercials promising ripped abs. Fat Guy is minding his own business watching his favorite episode of “Magilla, Gorilla”, when in barges the Coach. “Look at you!, You’re wasting your life ! (Coach knows my Mom, apparently), You’re fat!, What are you going to do about it?”

Ashamed, Fat Guy agrees to anything the Coach suggests. A liquid diet? No problem! Up at 6, run 27 miles, eat half a grapefruit, then off two the gym to hit the weights? Sign me up. The Coach uses words like discipline, will power and self control. He is a self-righteous, tyrant. Watch out things are about to change.

• Day 1 – So before I know it, I have rounded up all the Oreos, Doritos and my beloved beer and sent them packing. In their place, I’ve recruited carrot sticks, no-fat yogurt, and bottled water.

I’ve made my yearly trek to the sporting goods store for the latest running shoes which promise to help me “run like the wind.” Things are going to be different around here. I am up at six, run three miles, breakfast consists of egg whites and black coffee, I ride my bicycle to work, I hit the gym at lunch and power through a workout that would impress California’s governor, home by seven, run another two miles, off to bed by nine. My world’s changing. I’ve lost two pounds. Move over Arnie, there’s a new sheriff in town.

• Day 2 – Can barely move. But, Coach is there and I drag myself through the paces. By the end of the day, another pound loss, “Ah, a lean, mean fighting machine.”

• Day 3 – Coach is howling in my ear. I am three pounds lighter, everything hurts but I don’t care. End of the day I step onto the scale with much anticipation. Nothing. I weigh the same. Coach has gone into his office and closed the door. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

• Day 4 – It’s raining. Something has changed. The lights are off in coach’s office. And guess whose heading down the hall? Yep, my old buddy, Fat Guy. “Skip the run; I’ve made French toast and bacon, just the way you like it.”

These are but two examples of the personalities that drive our psyche. Different personality types with different needs. They don’t like each other because they want totally different things. Anyone who has ever experienced the conflict between these two (and who hasn’t?) knows someone has to lose. Usually, me!

Because both personalities have needs, it doesn’t pay to ignore them. If you do, they will persist and throw tantrums like a 2 year old in Target until their needs are addressed. Any parent who experienced the joys of a screaming child in a public setting will tell you they will do just about anything to get stop. These two can manipulate with the best of them.

The trick is to manage the needs of the two. Take some advice from Coach, but believe Fat Guy’s has needs, too. Don’t let Coach bully you into a set of unrealistic expectations and don’t let Fat Guy convince you into becoming one with the couch. Adopt reasonable changes that are sustainable and that further better health.

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